Topic: Jokes

[John Bingham]

Dave's wife is going off to Paris for a long weekend with her girlfriends. As he drives her to the airport, she says to him:

"Is there anything you'd like me to bring you back from Paris?"

Dave thinks about it for a while, and then jokes, "How about you bring me back a cute little French girl?"

Dave's wife sighs and says sarcastically, "OK, I'll see what I can do."

Late on Sunday evening, he's back at the airport to pick her up.

"So how was it?" he says as she gets into the car.

"Oh it was great," she says. "We all had a brilliant time. Lots of sightseeing, shopping, eating and wine."

"And did you get my present?" he jokes.

"Oh that. Well, I did what I could, but we won't know for certain if it's a girl for another nine months."

[John Bingham]

A rich man living in Darwin decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, flirting and eating all manner of fine food off the huge BBQ.

At the height of the party, the host said,
'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc kicking its ass, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Colin strangles the croc and lets it float to the top of the pool like a goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbs out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says,
'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche a Rolex and some stock options?

Again, Colin said no.

Confused, the rich man asked,
'Well Colin, then what do you want?


Colin said,
'I want the bastard who pushed me in the pool.' 
 

[John Bingham]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool.
Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?' 
 

[John Bingham]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual,

'I have a headache.'

'Perfect,' her husband said.' I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.

You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.'

[John Bingham]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's
father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, 'Well Bruce,
you are only 10. Where will you two live?'

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.'

Again, Bruce instantly replies, 'Our pocket money. Jenny gets five ponds a week
and I make 10 pounds a week. That's about 60 quid a month and that should do us
just fine.'

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. 'Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?'

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'

[John Bingham]

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.


The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'
The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'


'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'


George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'


The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'


The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'


The Aussie said, 'Why can't they fuc*ing play at night?'

[John Bingham]

If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.
Christina Martin, London

I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.
Martin Kristos

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.
Johnny Pring

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.
Alan Heath

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that 'God would make her better.' Presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
M Lovejoy

'She can dish it out, but she cannot take it', I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.
Mrs Pinches, Hereford

I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.
S Prodnipple, Scarborough

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.
Stella Matlock

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.
Warren

THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.
Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire

TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll tell you when you're older' when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer

I'm A Terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.
A Terrorist

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill

'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.
Raymond [censored] *** cks

On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me like a Princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got completely pi**ed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at 120mph, killing me instantly.
Mrs B. Essex.

The person who coined the phrase 'as different as chalk and cheese' obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.
John Sampson, Southampton.

If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?
P. Sullivan, Birkenhead

They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
D Evans, London

If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?
Stalker, Bournemouth

Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting people? I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community service.
A Woodward, Sheffield

They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.
J Morgan, Wigan

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?
Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham

In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.
Martin Harwood, Bradford.

These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.
Tim Wakefield, Surrey

Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women.
Chris Mapply, Carshalton.

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in London beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.
George Nisbet.

Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.
Werner Hoffman, Munich

I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
B Bollockbrain, Braintree

Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.
M Duckworth, Poole

So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
J Leonard, Hull

To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'. Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.
Danny King, Balham

I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?
K Libretto, Welling

[John Bingham]

Man sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He concludes that because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

He decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby, he trusts, impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto: 'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and this time delivers the Air France motto: 'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this third time quoting the Malaysian Airlines motto: 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman straightens herself up, looks at him sternly and demands: 'What the f*ck do you want?'

'Ah!' the man says, sitting back with a knowing smile on his face. Ryanair.

[John Bingham]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his
sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You
died in your sleep, Ralph..'

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much
to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go
back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm
near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers,
clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past.
'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange
feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.
'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '
'Never,' said Ralph.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big
deal.' Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later,
out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He
soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the
back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

Ralph! Wake up. You sh1t the bed!

[John Bingham]

It was entertainment night at the Old Folks Home and the
Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from many
Senior Homes to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,
'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here
to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every
member of the audience.

'The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want you each
to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family five Generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, 'watch the Watch, watch the Watch, watch the Watch .'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and
forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs
of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly it slipped
from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into
a hundred pieces, springs,screws and cogs flying everywhere.

"Sh1t--" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Old Folks Home .
 

[John Bingham]

Little Johnny was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,flash cards, special learning centres. In short, everything they could think of to help his maths.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Johnny down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Johnny came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Johnny was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Johnny brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mum looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Johnny got an 'A' in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Johnny looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Johnny looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

[John Bingham]

1. Teaching Maths in 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident, however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies.

He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash.

They also have a leaving barbecue of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester, upon release, is warned that failure to clear the fly -tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber because he can't get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s, it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government's expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist, and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

[John Bingham]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly

[John Bingham]

Redneck decided to take a  holiday . He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that  is, until the ship sank.

 He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and  coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he  has ever seen rows up to the shore.

 In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

 She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

 'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'

 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island.  The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides  and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

 'But, where did you get the tools?'

 'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual  stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it  melted into ductile iron.

 I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

 The guy is stunned.

 'Let's row over to my place,' she says.

 After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he  nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite house painted in  blue and white.

 While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead,  dumb struck.



 As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit  down, please. Would you like a drink?'

 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'

 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pine Colada?'

 Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.  After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more  comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom  cabinet.'

 No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made  from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end  inside a swivel mechanism.

 This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

 When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling  faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.



 'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely.  There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing  for?'

 She stares into his eyes .. He can't believe what he's hearing.

 'You mean . . ' he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.



 'Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well'

[John Bingham]

Barak Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
 
Barak goes first.
 
“What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”
 
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out “The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”
 
Gordon thinks “Its not bad this time machine, I’ll have a bit of that” so he asks “What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?”
 
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he’s just staring at it.
 
“Come on Gordon” says Barak, “What does it say?"
 
Gordon replies, “Buggered if I know! It’s all in Arabic!”