BRAND NEW CHANNEL 4
TV SHOW NEEDS FAMILIES IN SEARCH OF THEIR FIRST PET!
                                                   
ARE YOUR KIDS PESTERING YOU FOR A PET?
                                                                                             
ARE YOU A LITTLE NERVOUS ABOUT THE PROSPECT
OF ANOTHER MOUTH TO FEED?

If you’re a family pondering the prospect of owning a pet, be it a dog, cat, rabbit, llama, pigmy goat, fish, bearded dragon, snake, frog or any other animal imaginable... we want to hear from you!
 
As part of our new channel 4 series, we’re searching for 3 families to ‘trial a pet’ for just one week, so if you’re not sure you and more importantly, your children, are ready for the responsibility,
this could be the perfect solution...
DO YOU KNOW AN ANIMAL IN
NEED OF A MAKEOVER?

DO YOU OWN, OR KNOW ANYONE WITH A SCRUFFY ANIMAL?

We’re also looking for people with particularly scruffy pets that could do with a makeover, our team of grooming experts are looking to transform 3 lucky animals from shabby to chic!
                                                                         
PLEASE EMAIL US FOR MORE INFORMATION
animals@mavericktv.co.uk OR CALL
0121 224 8314

A man in tescos wanted to buy half a cauliflower, ''we don't sell half cauliflowers'' says the assistant, but the man is insistent that as the customer he is entitled to buy half a cauliflower and for the assistant to get the managers ok to sell him a half.

the assistant decides to humour him and walks into the stockroom, sees the manager and says ''there's an idiot out there who wants to buy half a cauliflower'', realises the customer has followed him in and quickly adds ''and this kind gentleman says he'll have the other half''

later the manager says to the assistant, '' I like someone who can think on his feet, ''where are you from son?

''Liverpool'' replies the lad

"Why did you leave" ? asks the manager

''The place is full of prostitutes and footballers'' the lad replies

"My wife came from Liverpool" retorted the manager

"Oh", says the lad.............."who did she play for"?

Barak Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
 
Barak goes first.
 
“What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”
 
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out “The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”
 
Gordon thinks “Its not bad this time machine, I’ll have a bit of that” so he asks “What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?”
 
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he’s just staring at it.
 
“Come on Gordon” says Barak, “What does it say?"
 
Gordon replies, “Buggered if I know! It’s all in Arabic!”

Anyone remember 80's bands in Stoke?
Mad Hatter, Phil Littler, No Favors etc.
Used to play at the Star in Hanley, Wagon & Horses in Meir.....The Rigger in Newcastle??

I'm still in touch with some people. Lost touch with most.
Great times......

Redneck decided to take a  holiday . He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that  is, until the ship sank.

 He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and  coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he  has ever seen rows up to the shore.

 In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

 She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

 'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'

 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island.  The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides  and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

 'But, where did you get the tools?'

 'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual  stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it  melted into ductile iron.

 I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

 The guy is stunned.

 'Let's row over to my place,' she says.

 After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he  nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite house painted in  blue and white.

 While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead,  dumb struck.



 As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit  down, please. Would you like a drink?'

 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'

 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pine Colada?'

 Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.  After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more  comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom  cabinet.'

 No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made  from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end  inside a swivel mechanism.

 This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

 When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling  faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.



 'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely.  There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing  for?'

 She stares into his eyes .. He can't believe what he's hearing.

 'You mean . . ' he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.



 'Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well'

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly

Hi all, the Staffordshire Search and rescue team are holding a Charity Music night at
The George Hotel in Burslem.
January 22, Start at 1930 hours.
All proceeds from the night will go to the Staffordshire Search and rescue team. Please help support this life saving team. Tickets are £5.50 each or £6.00 on the door.
Tickets available at
07515 520220
www.keyboardevents.co.uk

Battered Box Web Design and Development offer a professional and affordable web design service. We are based in Biddulph, Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire - we have quick turn around times and offer anything from standard websites to content management systems that you can update yourself. We have worked with companies, schools and individuals to create relevant and pleasing websites for affordable prices. Basic websites start at £150 and all prices are based on project quotes not hourly rates. You can visit us on line at: www.batteredbox.co.uk and feel free to contact us any time.  You can contact us via phone at 07870145536 (Mobile number) or via Email at: joe@batteredbox.co.uk

1. Teaching Maths in 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident, however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies.

He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash.

They also have a leaving barbecue of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester, upon release, is warned that failure to clear the fly -tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber because he can't get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s, it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government's expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist, and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

im trying to locate a old building that as been converted to a house possibly 2 houses, i think it used to be a abbitior (slaughter house/butchers) and also possibly a pie factory/ bakery.It would of been a brick type building that  been converted/renovated(not a new build) I think its somewhere in the north of the city, possibly Kidsgrove area or somewhere up that way