Topic: Jokes

[John Bingham]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

[John Bingham]

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in process. A sign read:"Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman".

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out his huge member and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw the faded sign for the same circus and the same sign "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.

Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time,however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something.You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Scot, "Ma eyes are nae whit they used to be!!."

[John Bingham]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience and, as they are - THE - seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their checks as they begin chanting...........








"Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"

[John Bingham]

Nelson Mandela's sitting quietly at home one day, when he hears a knock at the door. He opens it and there's a little Japanese chap with a pick-up truck full of car parts. He gives Nelson an invoice and says, 'You sign! You sign!'

Nelson Mandela says, 'Sorry mate, you've got the wrong address'. The Japanese guy goes away scratching his head.

The next day, there another knock at Nelson Mandela's door. Nelson answers it and it's the same little Japanese bloke again. This time, he's got a brand new saloon car with him. He shows Nelson the docket and says, 'You sign! You sign!'

Again, Nelson Mandela says, 'Sorry mate, you've got the wrong address'. And the Japanese guy goes away again.

The day after that, 'Knock knock' again. Nelson Mandela answers the door and once again it's this little Japanese chap. This time he's got a transporter with him stacked up with a dozen cars. He thrusts a clipboard into Nelson Mandela's hand and says, 'You sign! You sign!'

It takes a lot to rile Nelson Mandela, but by now he's getting really cross. 'Listen, chum,' he says, 'How many times do I have to tell you: you've got the wrong bleeding address!'

The Japanese guy looks through his order papers, then says, 'You sure you not Nissan main dealer?'

[John Bingham]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was following the speed limit exactly! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a hazard to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... 22 miles an hour!" The old woman says a bit proudly. The state police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask: Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

[John Bingham]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,said quietly to his son "Go get your mother."

[John Bingham]

Colin was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff. "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?"

Colin replied: "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts: "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome.

Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican...

Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Colin asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said:













"Who the f*ck's that on the balcony with Colin?"

[John Bingham]

There were these friends who played golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the guy and said, "Sure."

So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious about what the guy did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them he was a hitman. The friends all laughed.

The guy said, "No really, I'm a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you'd like."

So one of the friends decided to check it out. He opened the bag and, sure enough, there was a rifle with a huge scope attached it. He got all excited and said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The hit man replied, "Sure."

So the guy looked for a second and said, "YEAH! I can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next-door neighbor! And he's naked too!"

This really upset the guy, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replied, "I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger."

The guy responded, "One thousand dollars? Well, okay. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife."

The hit man agreed. He geared up and looked through the scope. He was looking for about five minutes until finally the man started to get really impatient and asked, "What are you waiting for?"

The hitman replied, "Just hold on ... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!"

[John Bingham]

One day there was a hippie who got on a bus. The bus was
very crowded and the man took a seat next to a young nun. He
was very attracted to the nun, because she was surprisingly
beautiful. After getting his courage up,he finally said to the
nun “Will you have sex with me?”

The nun, disgusted, told the bus driver to stop the bus and she
got off. The man was very disappointed and he moved up to
the front of the bus to wait for his stop.

Seeing that the young hippie was upset, the bus driver decided
to help him out. He said to the young man, “I know that nun.
Every night, she goes to the grave yard at 9:00 to pray at the
grave of her friend. If you go there and pretend that you are
Jesus, there is no way she would turn down God’s request. Just
tell her that you are Jesus and ask her to have sex with
you.”

This gave the hippie great hope.That night, he went to the
graveyard, and sure enough, there was the nun.As she kneeled
down, he decided to make his move. He walked over to her,
dressed in a white robe with a hood and said to the nun “I am
Jesus Christ, will you have sex with me?” Now, of course the
nun could not deny the power of God, so she agreed. “I just
have one request,” said the nun, “it has to be anal sex, so I can
remain a virgin and continue in my sisterhood.” The hippie agreed
and the two had sex.

When they were done, the guy said
“HA HA!! I’m not Jesus, I’m the hippie!”

To which the nun replied:

“HA HA! I’m not the nun, I’m the bus driver!”

[John Bingham]

A man went into a barbers for a shave, while the barber is foaming him up he mentioned how difficult he finds it to get a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have the very thing" said the barber pulling a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer, "Just place this between your cheek and gum".

The man placed this ball in his mouth and went on to have the closest shave he'd ever experienced.

As he stood up the man asked "What would have happened if I accidently swallowed the ball"?

"It's not a problem" the barber replied, "You just bring it back the next day like all the others do".

[John Bingham]

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull
elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a
large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out
with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its
foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its
face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen,
thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant
trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty
years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they
approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The
large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the
ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if
this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over
the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to
the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted
again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him
wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.



Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[John Bingham]

1: Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones

2: At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3: One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4: You've never quite sure whether it's OK to eat green crisps.

5: Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6: Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7: Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8: Your never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10: Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11: You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12: Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13: Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14: Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15: You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16: Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17: The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18: The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19: Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20: Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21: Old women with mobile phones look wrong !

22: Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23: Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24: You never ever run out of salt.

25: Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26: You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27: There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28: No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29: Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30: The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31: People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

32: You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33: Everyone had an uncle/aunt who tried to steal their nose.

34: Bricks are horrible to carry.

35: In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

[John Bingham]

This was recently in the Seattle Paper... The title of the article was "Best Come Back Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Robert Aylor, 59+ year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the County courthouse, Aylor was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a telephone interview.

Aylor went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Aylor failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to Mr. Aylor and he's just banging away at this pumpkin." Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Aylor. "I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said.....





"A pumpkin? .....Sh*t...is it midnight already?"

[John Bingham]

There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock.

But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can't I touch its fur?” as their didn't seem to be anything wrong with it.

Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.

He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.

Suddenly the gorilla went ape and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else's sports car and drove off.

In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behind him.

He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden and up the apple tree.

He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.

The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla.

The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead.

The gorilla!

It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked straight into the bloodshot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly.

This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint.

The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, “Tag! You're it!”

[John Bingham]

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well-formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been know to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for the manicuring and pruning of any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

16. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
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