Topic: Jokes

[John Bingham]

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat.

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look, 'that's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.

'Thanks,' says the little girl.

The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.

'Little colleague,' says the fire fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says.........

"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a bl**dy siren, Would I?"

[John Bingham]

Billy was at school this morning in the outback and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, Fireman,Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.



"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say."

[John Bingham]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many would be left?"

She calls on Billy who replies, "None - they'd all fly away on the first gunshot.".

The teacher says, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then little Billy says, "I have a question for you, miss. There are three women sitting on a bench having an ice cream. One is deliberately licking the sides, the second one is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone, while the third is nibbling the top, which one is married?"

"Erm, the one that's gobbled down the top?" asks the teacher, blushing.

To which Billy replies, "The correct answer is the one with the ring on, but I like your thinking."

[John Bingham]

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fu*ker!"

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a F****r fish"

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.

"Look at this huge f****r" says the priest, spotting the bishop.

"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop.

"No, no - that's what this fish is called, " says the priest.

"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that f****r and we could have it for dinner".

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.

"Could you cook this f****r for dinner tonight?" he asks her.

"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.

"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a f****r, " says the bishop.

Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "wonderful, I'll cook that f****r tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"

The fish tastes just great and after dinner The Pope asks where they got it.

"Well, I caught the f****r!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the f****r!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the f****r!" says the mother superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, Pours himself a whiskey and says " You know what?, You c**ts are alright."

[John Bingham]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the bar. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.


The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.


Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.While the man is having his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ar*e, pulls it out and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ar*e, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ar*e, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[John Bingham]

Two tourists were driving through Wales

At Llanfairpwllgwyngllgogerychwryndrobwllyantsllyogogogoch,

They stopped for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress,

"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?

Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde waitress leaned over and said,








"Burrr-gurrr-Kinngg..."

[John Bingham]

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.

Bruce slams on the brakes and yells "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great sh*g but you're a real sport too!"

[John Bingham]

A man went into a urologist and told him he was having a problem, he was unable to get his penis erect. The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his penis. The man thought about it a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his penis sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said," That was incredible! Can you do it again?" With tears in his eyes he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse!

[John Bingham]

A young woman was in a coma, and as the weeks went on her doctors became increasingly concerned about her chances of recovering. Until the day when her nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. As one of them washed her private area, she noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. She tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement. Excitedly, they rushed to tell the doctor who, after checking the nurses' claims, called the woman's husband into his office.


As the husband sat down, the doctor explained what had happened and added: "As crazy as this sounds, we're begining to suspect that if you had oral sex with her, it might help her even more and possibly even bring her out of the coma completely."


The husband was a little sceptical, but the doctor assured him that he'd have complete privacy and the curtains around the bed would be firmly closed. Eventually the husband agreed to give it a try and went to his wife's bedside.


A few minutes later, nurses were alarmed to hear the woman's monitor alarm go off, telling them that she had flatlined. As doctors tried to revive the woman, one of the nurses asked the husband what had happened.
"I'm not really sure," he replied. "Maybe she choked?"

[John Bingham]

Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and meanings.
The teacher asked the prime minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, was playing in a field & a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy"

"No", said Blair "that would be an accident".

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children, drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy"

"I'm afraid not, "explained the prime minister, "that's what we call a great loss".

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of "tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand... In a quiet voice he said: "If the air plane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Mr Blair. "that's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy " it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and probably wouldn't be a F**k**g accident either.

[John Bingham]

Tony Blair called Gordon Brown into his office one day and said,


'Gordon I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back
Middle England'.

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Brown.

'Well' said Blair ' we'll get ourselves one of those long Barbour coats,
some proper wellies' a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador. Then
we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much
Something or other and we'll show we really enjoy the countryside'

'Right PM' said Brown.

So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at
heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they
arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely
country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.


'Good evening Landlord, may we have two pints of your best ale, from the
wood' said Blair.

'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord,' two pints of best it
is, coming up'.

Blair and Brown stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and
chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a
drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a
grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the
Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders
and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came another
old shepherd with his crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail,
looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so another four or
five shepherds
came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Blair and Brown could stand it no longer and called the
barman over.

'Tell me' said Blair, ' why did all those old shepherds come in and look
under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?'

'Good Lord no,' said the barman. 'It’s just that someone went in and told
them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes'!

[John Bingham]

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming" He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "what would you say is my best feature"? Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears" Astounded, and a little hurt she asked "my ears? Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural I work out every day, my butt is firm and solid,look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears? Clearing his throat, he stammered "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming?

[John Bingham]

Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan

She's got a face like a dug lickin pish aff a nettle.

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe.

She's got a face that could make an onion cry.

I wouldn't ride her into battle.

everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege

I wouldnae do her with a rusty pole

mair chins than a chinese phone book

face like a melted welly

She smells like an alkies carpet

she has seen more japseyes than an oriental optician

It's like shaggin a pail of water.

It's like shaggin the sleeve aff a wizards cloak!

she's killed more cocks than a fowl butcher

fanny like a ripped out fireplace

face like a sand blasted tomato

arse like a bag a washing

Your face could get a job haunting houses

I wouldn't ride her if I had a bag of spare Dicks

She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant

she's seen more helmets than Hitler

The wheels turning but the hamster's died

she has been cocked more times than Davy Crocket's Musket

face like a stuntman's knee

She's got a fanny like a badly packed kebab

Your ma's goat a dick and yer da's jealous
__________________
12 Highlanders and a bagpipe make a rebellion
Scottish Proverb

[John Bingham]

Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night.
She approached the receptionist and asked for a room.

"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night."Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.

"Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," said Mary

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though...they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are alwayslooking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....

Who checked out,then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious"

[John Bingham]

A class of kindergartners was trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on "NO baby talk!" "You need to use 'Big
People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big people' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done - "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alec what he had done-

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"


Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride, and said,

"Winnie the Sh*t."