Topic: Jokes

[John Bingham]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going"?

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf"?
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf"?
Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger says, “How can you play golf if you can't see"?
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again, I play the ball toward his voice"
"But how do you putt?” asks Woods.

”Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap"?
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks it over and says, "Okay, I'm for that. When would you like to play"?



Stevie says, "Pick a night."

[John Bingham]

An Englishman is being shown round a Scottish hospital

At the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:

Fair fa' yer honest,sonsie face,
Great chieften e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
as lang's my arm.

The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, moves on to the next patient, the patient immediatly launches into:

Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat, and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit.


This continues with the next patient:


Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie
O what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
wi' bickering brattle.
I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
wi' murdering prattle!"


"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, " I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last"


"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns Unit."

[John Bingham]

A man walks into a bar, he's got bandages all over his face & chest an IV line hanging out of his arm, he's pale, his breathing is ragged, he looks like he's not long for this world.

he staggers up to the bar, and wheezes,

"double brandy please barman, quicky"

the barman gives him a double brandy which he downs in one,

"another double brandy" says the sick man,

another is poured which he downs in one,

"one more" says he, and one more is poured. just before drinking this one, he says to the barman,

"i really shouldn't be drinking these with what i've got"

intrigued, (and slightly scared) the barman asks,

"why, what have you got?"

the sick man replies,


"40 pence"

[John Bingham]

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.

(For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick
smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!


At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by
that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!


This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of p*ss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!


Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.


I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.





Your loving daughter,

Sheila

[John Bingham]

Two women friends were caught short while making their way home after a night in the pub.

They were near a graveyard, so one suggested they do their business behind a headstone.

One had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she'd take off her panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend was wearing rather expensive underwear, and didn't want to ruin hers - but salvaged a large ribbon from a wreath on one of the graves, and proceeded to use it. They then made off for home.

The next day one woman's husband phoned the other's husband and said: "We'd better keep an eye on our wives, you know. Mine came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck to her bum that read: 'From all the lads at the fire station. We'll never forget you."

[John Bingham]

A Cabbie picks up a Nun

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says:
"That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[John Bingham]

President George W. Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little good press.
After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why do you kiss Jesse Jackson's & Al Sharpton's ass? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are you letting illegal immigrants invade our country like a swarm of locusts?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. President Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 6 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why do you kiss Jesse Jackson's & Al Sharpton's ass? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are you letting illegal immigrants invade our country like a swarm of locusts? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"

[John Bingham]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"


The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports

it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae.

He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few

minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".



"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd.





He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as

the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car. Then the shepherd says to

the young man:

"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: "Okay, why not?".

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?"


"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked, and you know f**k-all about my business".



"Now give me back my dog."

[John Bingham]

A woman goes into Harrods to buy a fishing rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just
grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is
standing there, wearing dark shades.



She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you
everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She
doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.



He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on
sale this week for £44."


She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all
that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she
opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like
a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she
accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realises
there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted. The man
rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please." The woman is
totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale
for £44. How did you get to £58.50?"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and
reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."

[John Bingham]

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit for their supper, returning with it ready to skin and cook.



Night falls.



First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap".



They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.



"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.



Next up - the Para's. They finish their cans of lager and their fags, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.



"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.



Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc.



After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.



"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".



So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day.



The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.



"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.



The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:



"Alright, Alright, I'm a f *ckin' rabbit!"

[John Bingham]

Gina was on her death bed with her husband, David, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling David," she whispered.

"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."

But she was insistent. "David," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping David. "It's all right.

Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, David. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."

David mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Gina, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

[John Bingham]

Geordie bloke goes in a pub and announces that he can name any car - when its key is inserted into his arse.

First challenger steps up thinking he'll never do it. Bloke drops his trousers and the guy slips his key in.
"Ford Fiesta" says the bloke as quick as a shot.

No one can believe it. Another geezer produces a key and slides it up the guy's slot.
"Land Rover Discovery '96" says the bloke without hestitation.

One of lads in the bar reaches in his pocket for his keys and pulls out a spark plug. He thinks "aha, this'll stump the bugger" and pops it into matey's ring.

The bloke has a strange expression on his face for a moment before he sighs and says "ahhh, f**k**g Champion".

[John Bingham]

One day a Scotsman, stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "That's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer, he rules out the possibility of a small boat too. Suddenly, out of the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the Scotsman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He selects one carefully, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Is that ever good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of Scotch whisky?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve and pulls out a bottle of 25 year-old Single Malt. He opens the flask, takes a thoughtful swig and says, "Fantastic!"

Now she slowly starts opening the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, with a glint in her eye, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Scotsman falls to his knees and sobs, "Sweet mother of God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too?"

[John Bingham]

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by as the result of a shipwreck:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman. 2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman


One month later on these same absolutely stunning islands, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her better than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
__________________

[John Bingham]

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell. The owner says the dog is in the backyard. He goes into
the backyard and sees a Beagle.

"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Beagle replies.
"So, what's your story?"

The Beagle looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about
my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no one figured a dog
would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight
years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I
wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was
awarded a bunch of medals. Then I got married, had a mess of puppies, and
now I'm just retired"


The guy is amazed. He goes to the owner and asks what he wants for the
dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why are you selling him so cheap?"


"Cause he's a liar. He never did any of that sh*t."